House of Nerds

Good morning, Internet. As I write this, my wife is on her way to interview for a teaching position. Very first interview. If you could see to it that she does amazingly, I will be forever in your debt. Amen.

My good friend Tanner4105 and I are putting out an album. Before that though, we’re putting out a mixtape to whet the palate. It takes me a while to do things, what with all the grown up responsibilities I’ve spoken about previously, but for now we do offer you this new short track inspired by Netflix’s House of Cards. We call it “House of Nerds” and take a fictional turn at the origin stories of my little corner of nerdcore.

Both the mixtape and the new album are due out later this year with all the proceeds going to our bank accounts because this is America, damnit, and capitalism is how we do!

A lot of people hate on Router because it seems like the cool thing to do and it’s easy to take shots. I feel bad for perpetuating that, but there really is no way for me to talk about my history in entertaining without referencing her heavily. We shared a lot of shows together throughout the West and I had to deal with her antics firsthand. Girl was like a sister that blew shit up all the time but you still had to love her despite that because she’s family. Then she went way far gone. Now we just have the stories. I miss you ’09 Router. RIP.

In other news, if you don’t follow me on the social medias, Chandra and I are having a baby expected Oct 31st, 2015!

makin' copies

Multiplying

We don’t know if it’s a boy or girl yet, but names don’t seem to matter since it will most likely be referred to as some form of “Beef Jr” or “Beefette” for the next bunch of years. Chan doesn’t seem to like the names I’ve been coming up with, though:

  • Raekwon
  • Marshawn
  • Banana Face
  • Rhaego, the Stallion Who Mounts the World
  • Aloysius
  • Tyrone
  • Obviously some compromises will have to be made. I think Raekwon Danger Moore sounds pretty legit though. I hope you all enjoy the new track and remember that if you don’t it will sadden my unborn child. Do you really want that on your conscience? I didn’t think so.

    -love beef

    Doc I need you

    Dearest Internet, What up?

    So the title of this post is what I put in the subject line when I e-mailed Doctor Awkward a few weeks ago. I’m pretty sure this is the last round of the VPC3 and the challenge was to make a collaboration track and have the feature make sense. At least I think that’s what the goal was. To be honest I kind have been skimming it and letting Tanner tell me if I’m off base. I had a verse on the first demo beat Tanner sent and had the bare bone outline of a chorus, then begged for help from my buddy Doc Awk.

    I didn’t seem to need to beg much, cause it seems like he was feeling it. Doc, with what he already has going on on top of holidays and work, also got sick. Shit! What we gonna do?! Our backup didn’t end up finishing his verse either! TANNER WHAT IS WE GONNA DO?!? Doc is a superhero though and on the final day we get an amazing verse and then a way better version of the hook I had mumbled through in the demo. Tanner completely reworked the beat and made it super dope and beefy-style-pop unique and I present to you “Don’t Make Me Go.”



    I love the jobs that I have. I’m a giant fan of my co-workers and customers and clients. But goddamn dude I just don’t want to go some days. Example, I’m sitting here writing this instead of jumping into the shower and ironing my shirt because I have to be at work in like an hour and I need to hustle. But… internet. I need to write on her right this moment for some reason. I feel like Doc could relate. Who works harder? I know this is a common theme with me. I write what I know and lately what I know is like 70-80 hour work weeks. Don’t worry. There will be more songs about video games and girls soon.

    I hope you dig the track and vote for it and stuff. Tanner did an amazing job as always. He’s extremely versatile and he’s fearless in trying new things. Also, thank you again Doc.

    -beef

    Toxicity

    Howdy Internet. Has me working more made you feel neglected, Internet? I’m sorry baby. But daddy needs dat paper.

    Do you ever play videogames (oh, I don’t know, like, in the vein of LoL) and kind of go on tilt and get fired up because the bot lane is feeding and you have some weird comp breaking meta up top, and the jungle keeps trash talking you about your mechanics and you let that get you a little riled up in your insides? Ever turn that inward aggression into outward hostility and begin shit talking your entire team based on lewd, misogynistic, cave-man bullshit you learned as a child and would never identify with in the “real world”, but more regurgitating the same cleaver/horrible/awful comments you’ve read in internet-past as an exercise in hostile language as opposed to a statement of fact reflecting your character? For example, you have no idea what a “noobfag” is really, but you’ve seen it playing games online from some kid with a name like xXx[[TRRP3VILL]]xXx. I know you have. In the “real world” you would never have a context for this word, really. In what scinario would it be relevant except for mocking very new, gay babies? Why would you mock a baby? You wouldn’t, you’re not a moster. That baby doesn’t have sexual orientation yet, man. Don’t mock children. I shouldn’t have to tell you that.




    Anywho, I made a song about getting salty while playing games and letting it affect your “real life”. It’s called Salty and its mine and Tanner’s submission for Round 2 of the VPC3. Tanner worked incridebly hard to make the dopest thing we’ve done ever in the history of the world, while I tenderly carressed it with my georgeous mind and then terrible voice. It’s the kind of highbrow thing you’ve come to expect from our work, and at it’s best. I’m going to use my own quote for our eventual album, so I wanted that last sentence to look good.

    Please go have a look and listen at the VPC3 Tumblr page and vote for what you feel in your heart is the dopest/insightful/whatever song about the nerd life, and then also just give me a 5 because you love me and you want to see me succeed, because in life it’s not about who you know; it’s about how many you know. Right? Whatever, just go vote and help spread that love.

    Thank you,

    love beef

    That Ender Wiggins is Going Places

    The Vocalist Producer Challenge 3 (heretofore referred to as the VPC3) is officially upon us! You may remember some time ago when I participated with Beaker, and this year I’ve teamed up with my amazing musical cohort tanner4105 of any number of amazing projects, most of which involving people like myself and ytcracker. For the first round we were tasked with basically getting inside the head of a character from popular fiction. Since I did a lot of that with TV shows and movies on the last album and EP, this time I decided to go literary… again. I just remembered about Hear Me Roar. Anywho, I picked the sci-fi masterpiece Ender’s Game.




    Tanner’s good, huh? This year, the VPC will be decided not only by popular vote, but also by a panel of judges. That being said, we still want the best scores so you should for sure go to the picture-link-hybrid and vote it up. You can do the same for all of the tracks this round. And I know you love me (almost as much as I love you) but I’m going to have to insist that you don’t give us 5 stars and then gives everyone else 1 star. I love your passion and drive. But don’t do it. I appreciate it though. Your heart is in the right place.

    That is all, I have to go brainstorm for round 2. It’s about dat nerd life but I’m running out of material on that subject. I’m getting too old for this shit, Riggs.

    -beef

    New Album, Doctor Who, and How I Made People Think I Didn’t Like My Family

    It’s done, Internet. It. Is. Done.

    Art by Cubosh

    Tomorrow (8.19.2014) my new album Grown Up will be available to the masses. That’s not a crack on the weight of my fanbase. You guys are crazy hot. I’m just saying that I am at the height of anxiety and excitement.

    Doctor Who fans know that the 12th (or 13th if you count the War Doctor) Doctor will be making his debut on August 23rd. But before we start falling in love with Peter Capaldi, I’d like to revisit Amy, Rory, and the 11th and by far cartooniest Doctor to date with this little video I made for my new track “Girl Meets Doctor.”

    In the lead up to Grown Up coming out, I’ve been lucky enough to do a couple interviews with my internet homies. About a week ago I did an interview with Will at the Unheard Nerd (stream below) and just the other day I went to see Matt and Shannon of Seattle Geekly who happened to be in town for SpoCon. That interview should be up later this week. Finally, tomorrow I’m set to talk with Steve over at the BoneBat Show! My favorite part about doing these Seattle based podcasts is that I get to talk about the Seahawks, which brings me oh-so-much joy! If you’re a podcasting-type person who’d like to hear me mumble and talk to fast, hit me up at beefiness at gmail.

    Ok, so the album is about to come out and people have heard the title track, and the feedback I’ve gotten back about it seems to be “Beefy, you sure don’t like having a family!” The first time I heard it, I thought it was just one person misinterpreting. Now it kind of seems like that is the general consensus. How the hell did I go so wrong?

    Unquestionably, there will always be two of me. Beefy, who wants to be the center of attention, if not the world. Who wants to go to every show and rap at every event and be in every video and give the handful of fans he has each and every little bit of him. Then there’s Keith who is a dedicated support and a proud step parent for 6 years and (hopefully) a loving and good husband who wants nothing more than to spend every moment privately with his family. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to rap in Keith voice.

    “Grown Up” isn’t intended to depict how “it all went wrong” and how sweet life would be if not for that annoying loving family thing I have going on the side. My sarcasm must not be on point. I very much do still watch shows till sunrise. I do use an awful lot of pun. One time I ate French fries as the only meal of the day. There are expected roles you’re supposed to fulfill as a parent, and doing fun, slightly irresponsible things are supposed to go by the wayside as far as I’ve been led to believe. But that’s not the case. I list all of the cool and amazing shit I used to do as a rapping virgin and the struggles involved with being a husband and father figure to show that, even though it’s hard work and not in the least bit glamorous, I chose this life. I love this life. I didn’t get Chan knocked up and had a shotgun in my back when I put a ring on her finger. I don’t have some rare disease that requires me to be around Nugget at least 24 hours a week or else I grown a second head. This is my sweet life. And the only way someone can understand it is if they go through it themselves. And you don’t understand the hardships and why it’s all worth it until you jump in with both feet. I didn’t know. My mom and wife love telling the story that, before Nugget, I didn’t like and never wanted kids. Now I make faces and coo at every little kid I see. It turns out kids love Beefy. I’m like young Santa to them. But there is always be that piece of my insides that wants to go on tour with Eugene. I can’t help it.

    God I hope that’s the only thing I have to explain about the album. Everything else is Mustin’s fault.

    Love beef

    Adagio, Summoner

    Yo Internet, I don’t want to alarm you or anything, but did you know there are peeps straight up banging all over you? Like, pretty much every nook and cranny of the Internet has pictures of people’s nooks and crannies. I just thought you should be aware. I just recently learned this myself.

    So much stuff has happened since my last blog post except that that is a lie and there really hasn’t been much of anything. No new live shows to report, I’m afraid. No Orlando Music Fest for me cause it’s in Orlando and I’ve been there twice already. Your turn to come up here, Orlando. There is a little bit of new music for ya though.

    My friends Beaker and DJ Roborob have joined forces under the identity of the Crayondroids and they recently released what some have called a free EP on their Soundcloud. They have a fairly legit hit with Destroy All Humans (along with YTCracker and Dr. Awkward), remixes of Queen, Prince and others, and a little track featuring myself and Bruce Lee.

    I was like, “Hey Beaker lemme be on a track! Please! Come on! I think it’s dope as fuck!” and he was like “Suuuuuuuuuure… I talked to Rob and if you can be on if you can finish your verse in 2 hours.” After some table flipping, I was able to convince them to give me until the next morning. And then awesomeness happened. Well at least I think it turned out pretty dope. I work a lot better with a deadline. Speaking of which….

    Do not quote me on this, but I may have very well recorded the last stuff I need for my upcoming album Grown Up. GASP! It’s those little intro, outro, and addon bits that I always always always put off. Just the little fill in bits to make it a better overall experience for the people who, unlike me, aren’t already tired of my new album because it hasn’t been “new” on this end in soooooooo long which is 100% my fault since Mustin has been giving me the info needed to complete this project. I’ve just been… rather Beefy about the overall proceedings. My sorry. I forget I have fans and stuff who might actually like to hear some new stuff.

    What time sucks have I been involving myself with in the meantime you ask? League of Legends. That fucking game, man. I don’t know what happened. I think I started missing watching football so much that I needed a new competitive outlet that wasn’t boring baseball. Goddamn LoL posts kept showing up on Reddit and I was compelled to finally figure out why everyone was on the hype train. Now I’m hooked for reasons I honestly can’t seem to explain. I’ve been mulling it over for the past month and a half and I think I’ve conjured a plausible theory: The only huge difference between an e-sports professional and you is that the pro player can practice practice practice. You can’t practice being taller for basketball. You can’t practice being born huge for football. But the e-sports people aren’t born with an innate gift to be amazeballs at all electronic gaming. Sure, some may have a mutation that makes their index finger click a half millisecond faster than the general populace, but by-and-large the pro is a pro because he plays games all day long. He doesn’t have a job. He doesn’t have a kid. Hell, half of them are kids just older than 17. My point is that with enough time and practice, anyone could theoretically be pro at LoL or Hearthstone or CS:Go or whatever, but you have to be able to put in the time and have the right kind of situation that allows you that time. I’ll never go pro. I pay rent and there’s the kid and the wife and with any luck there will be more kids, but that’s not to say that after a while I won’t know all the lingo, be the best player on my random team, and be able to point out with authority what a player did wrong in-game. No matter how good your fantasy football team is, you can’t really throw on some shoulder pads and find a pick-up game with a full 22. Granted, you can’t really play a pick-up game of LoL right now either because all the North American servers are offline, which is why I’m writing this blog before work, instead of getting worked on the Rift.

    However, while I’ll never go pro, I am open to performing at a League of Legends event. Call me, Riot.

    -beef

    Hear Me Roar

    Well hello there, Internet. You’re looking well. Still neutral I see. Well done. Hope that keeps up.

    Do you guys remember when I made music? Mustin remembers. He has spearheaded a new album with him on production and the chubby wonder on raps. We have a new album coming out soon called Grown Up which delves into my usual fanboy fare (we have songs about Game of Thrones, Battlestar Galactica, Doctor Who, ect) but it also goes into the head of a dude who used to be carefree, but then had to make changes for the sake of a family.

    Speaking of family, how about those Lannisters, am I right? As I may have mentioned before, a couple years ago I became a huge fan of A Song of Ice and Fire after watching the first season of the HBO show. It’s totally the kind of story I’m into. Huge cast. Political intrigue. Incest. Giants. Women in armor. Swords with names. Catchphrases. Names like Hizdahr zo Loraq. The series has it all. It’s basically medieval West Wing with more swords and tits. The most fascinating family in the series are not the Starks of Winterfell. I get it. They have honor and (in theory) are hard to kill. A whole family of heroes. Fascinating. The family that actually peaks my interests are the Lannisters. Tywin, son of a weak Lord who is always making up for it. Twin lovers, one of whom is the archtype flawless knight who can’t decide if he’s a person or a product of his genetics. His sister who has been looking for knives in the dark since she was a teenager and enraged by the societal limitations put upon her gender. And then goddamn Tyrion Lannister. The dwarf pimp who killed his mother during birth, earning him permanent scorn from both his father and big sister, with the dream of riding a dragon. What better family to explore in hip-hop form?

    RE: SPOILERS –

    I wrote this song at around the start of season 3 of the show. At the time, I thought the song would come out right away and it would spoil a bunch of dope stuff about the show. But then, in typical Beefy fashion, things got delayed and pushed back. With the conclusion of Game of Thrones season 4 last night, all of the spoilers should be all wrapped up, meaning if you watched the show last night, you shouldn’t have anything spoiled. Was it stupid to put a warning like that at the head of the song which (also in theory) should be timeless? Yes it was. Do I regret it? Maybe a little. Am I too lazy to bother fixing it before the release? You bet your ass!

    Can I talk more about the new album a little bit? All I want to talk about right now is the cover. It looks like this:

    Photo by Jeff Douglas Photography - Edited by Cubosh

    I know what you’re thinking. “Beefy, buddy, what about cartoon Beefy? He’s on all your covers! What about the continuity?” Well, let me start of by saying that Thor Thorvaldson has got you covered. I did one of those things where I get excited and get art for an album before actually finishing the album at all. I already have finished artwork for the next album. I’m not kidding. The problem with this though, at least in this case, came 2 fold. 1) The album is slightly more serious than Thor’s art would have led you to believe and Mustin and I didn’t feel like it reflected the bulk of the album. We have some darker fun than usual. 2) I got fired from my 9-5 office job and I fucking hate those people now and even the hint of having fun in a cubicle makes me think of that shady sales based, FTC-investigated, healthcare cutting, landmine of mediocrity known as Sphyra. Or Merchant Services Direct. Why mention their name you ask? Because half of the time I was there they were doing their best to separate themselves from their FTC investigations, especially online. Basically they didn’t want you to know that Sphyra, Merchant Services Direct, and now Redfynn are all the same company with the same sales agents and the same back office support and same processing bank, iPayment. Corporations, big or small, are rotten as fuck. Now, if someone googles any of those words, they’ll probably end up on this site sooner or later, and Sphyra/Merchant Services Direct/Redfynn can’t pay to change my site. Hooray! But yeah, all that is why I changed the cover, but we will still provide the Thor alt cover to people who want continuity with their albums covers.

    That was a lot of writing for someone who doesn’t blog regularly and hasn’t been in school for years now. I hope you guys dig my little song/video about the Lannisters and I hope you guys dig the album when it comes out. I’m very excited!

    -Love beef

    Bloody Hell

    Internet! You were supposed to tell the people I retired! Now I’m getting people e-mailing and calling and texting asking if I’m alive, and it’s all your fault!

    I’m semi-retired, in as much as the real world has seized me about the crotch and throat and is forcing me through the nitty gritty of the universe and has plunged me deep within the depths of “real life.” At times, dear reader, I can admit that it is more than a little… upsetting. Gone are the days where work would be the thing I did in-between gigs I was excited about. I work two jobs, and while I’m not trying to make it an excuse, I am willing to allow it to be the actual legitimate excuse it is where pertaining to my complete lack of productivity and my disappearance by-and-large of social media. Also the Seahawks won the Superbowl so it’s already been a pretty emotional year.

    But I come out of my self-prescribed retirement for what? To tell you I’m not at all really truly retired, as I am performing April 26th in Seattle for the Comedy of Horrors Film Fest presented by BoneBat. It’s being held at the Central Cinema and the festivities kick off at 2pm. I’m going to rap till I’m sweaty, and Kyle of Kirby Krackle will do the exact same thing, except for singing and guitar playing and exuding handsome. As I write this, only 12 tickets remain. I know right? Super legit. And people who bought the dope ass swag bag will be getting a copy of my “only-being-sold-at-shows” album The Adventures of Beef Thompson – Check Your Local Listings: NEW EPISODES. Partly because Steve (dude organizing film fest) thought the peeps would dig it, and partly because I wanted to have an album with the longest possible title ever.
    So that was a lot of info dump, I realize. Here is the tl;dr version: WITH PICTURES AND VIDEO!


    APRIL 26TH!! SEATTLE! CENTRAL CINEMA! BEEFY!

    Let us not forget that my good friends who run Seattle Geekly and those asshats who comprise Death*Star are helping to sponsor the film fest, which is outrageously cool.

    So you may have been asking yourself while reading that paragraph earlier, “but what makes The Adventures of Beef Thompson – Check Your Local Listings: NEW EPISODES different from The Adventures of Beef Thompson – Check Your Local Listings album I bandcamp’d for free months and months and months ago?” I’m glad you asked. For starters, it has new songs like this:

    More precisely, it contains more songs I had put out recently, as well as tracks I had been holding onto for an album I wasn’t going to be finishing anytime soon, and decided to add those to this. They’re good, but I was slow. I’m not gonna GRRM you. I could die at literally any minute. Have my works. BUT YOU MUST PAY! HA!! Unless you don’t, in which case let me add a wholehearted jk geis.

    Let’s wrap this up: How great was the first episode of Game of Thrones? I recently finished A Dance of Dragons that I had held back on, so I am all GOT geeked out right now. There is, in my opinion, a dope Song of Ice and Fire track on my fabled Mustin album, but I learned that my cell phone was playing in the background of a track, and basically my unprofessionalism has cost us yet more time. To sum up, I am the worst. I’m going to plug in my mic this week though. For real. Very soon. Right after work. Promise.

    Love beef.

    Foie Gras Straight Out the Duck, and Beef Straight From the Butcher

    What it is, Internet?

    On Thursday, your good friend and mine, Adam WarRock, e-mailed about doing a free track. Duh. Of course. Eugene is on that higher level of awesome internet person I’ve met in real life that feels like we’ve been good friends since childhood. We’ve hung out on both coasts now, and he is dope in any timezone. However, where it takes me several months/years/whatevers to complete any of my own tracks, I like to make working with WarRock a challenge. HE IS SO PRODUCTIVE! For real though it’s really fun working with someone who has a fast turnaround time because it keeps the enthusiasm for any track higher, in my opinion. What started as brainstorming on Thursday turned into this full fledged song released early the next Monday morning about our relative freshness. (*Spoilers* Our relative freshness is high.)

    Adam WarRock & Beefy – Febreeze Bros.

    I’m not saying he’s coming through Seattle anytime soon or anything. In January. Totally not confirmed for sure 100%. At all. With friends. No comment. Along the same lines, on the day before my birthday I totally won’t also be in Seattle. My birthday is December 15th in case you want to make cake, just for the public record. And I wouldn’t be able to confirm it would be with friends who commute at a higher level. Or anyone representing multiple cores. Or Death*Star. Death*Star and Beefy sharing a bill in Fremont? Impossible! Did I say Fremont? Or did you?

    You shysty, Internet. But I can’t help but be drawn to your raw animal magnetism.

    My quick 2 cents re: Nerdapalooza

    Months back Beaker gave me the heads up on the plans for this year’s show. He basically told me it’s go big or go home time. I got an idea of what the show would cost and what they would need to clear in order to hit the black. I figured A) this would be a huge success and I didn’t want to miss out or B) this could all go wrong and this could be the last Nerdapalooza ever… and I didn’t want to miss out. All the music friends I hadn’t seen in years would be there. People I haven’t met or people I had just met at PAX would be there. I’d get to see Nerf Herder. I’d get to hang out with Eugene. I’d get to FINALLY met Z. I’d get to hang with Beaker. I’d get to see badass locals I hadn’t hugged since ’09. So, I spent way too much money on plane tickets (protip: don’t ever be this fat) and knew full well that this was a vacation and I wouldn’t make a fraction of it back.

    TMBG didn’t bring in the kind of crowd Nerdapalooza needed. Nerdapalooza needed a headline act like TMBG in order to take the next step. If the show were at a club/bar again, would Front, Lars, Jesse, Random, and other people I like still have gone? (I assume Schaffer and Warrock would still be there no matter what cause that’s how they roll) If they hadn’t been, I probably wouldn’t have found the excuse to return to Orlando and give a lot of cool people hugs. Nerda was a success if many ways. Just not in the ways where it really really counts. That being said, I defy anyone saying that they had a more enjoyable weekend than I did.

    In closing, I will leave you with 2 dope vids!

    -love beef